I admit it's been a couple of years since I last sat down to watch MTV's Video Music Awards. But with so much hype surrounding certain highly anticipated performances this year, how could I not? Now, no one ever credited the VMAs with being a work of television genius. This was, after all, the show that gave us Howard Stern's derriere in all its jiggly glory. Yet, I couldn't help but be shocked at how terribly produced the entire affair was. I might even go so far as to credit the show with being one of the WORST produced television programs ever. (No, really. I mean it. EVER.) Here were some of the most memorably horrific (and horrifically memorable) moments: 
1. Of course, the opening act. As everyone watched with bated breath, the lights came up, and Britney... went down. Down to another new low, that is. Bloated, bleary-eyed, unprepared, and clearly uncomfortable in the kind of skimpy outfit in which she once paraded around so easily, Ms. Spears disappointed viewers and critics yet again by delivering a half-heartedly lip-synched, bondage/stripper themed dance number to her underwhelming comeback single, "Gimme More." Just to give a bit more color on Britney's lackluster performance, mid-way through the number, it appeared as if she was so distracted by her own lack of awesomeness, she forgot to keep moving her lips and at least make it look like she was singing her own song. From the looks on the faces of Fifty Cent, P. Diddy, and Rihanna sitting in the audience, it looked like her peers in the entertainment industry were just as shocked (or bored) as the rest of us at how bad it all was. When the number was over, Britney could only sheepishly thank the live audience for their generously kind response and promptly skidaddled off the stage as fast as her stiletto-heeled boots cold carry her. Yeesh...
2. As if Britney's performance itself wasn't sad enough, Sarah Silverman hammered the nail into Ms. Spears' coffin with her typically acerbic humor. It was about as cringe-inducing as one wo
uld have expected... and then some. The fork-tongued comedienne absolutely killed as the host of this year's independent film Spirit Awards-- an event which is usually attended by folks who generally have nothing to lose by being the butt of Silverman's irreverent and often caustic jokes. (Hey, they're usually just honored that anyone even knows who they are.) But in a room filled with some of the biggest stars (and egos) in music television and Hollywood, Silverman's set-- which took jabs at nearly every icon in the industry from Paris Hilton (who was sitting in the audience) to Madonna (thankfully not sitting in the audience)-- did not go over well. Silverman suffered several dead air moments during which the audience merely chafed and squirmed.
3. Hampered by a series of missed cues, missed lines, non-existent introductions & transitions, and horrible sound production, it's tempting to surmise the show's logistics were devised while the producers were on crack. Nearly every presenter, whether it was a super-bronzed up Alicia Keys or a disoriented and shell-shocked Jennifer Hudson, either had difficulty knowing when to say their lines, had trouble reading the teleprompter, missed their cues altogether, or were misinformed as to what would happen next after their lines had been said. A few of the most glaring mistakes:
- After Shia Leboef revealed the name of the newest Indiana Jones pic (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull), he named Fergie as 2007's Fe
male Artist of the Year. Apparently having been told that Ludacris would accept the award on Fergie's behalf (as she was in Israel performing with the Black Eyed Peas), Shia called out Ludacris' name a few times, searched the crowd, found him, was rebuffed by the non-plussed/bored rapper, then embarrassedly accepted the award himself and walked off the stage.
- Two days after dispelling the rumor that there existed any hostility between them, Kanye West and Fifty Cent decided to play up the now dead, media-hyped rumor anyway for publicity purposes (both of their new albums drop tomorrow, Tuesday, September 11th). They did this by staging a face-off. After walking towards one another on stage without saying a word, arms crossed, faces grim, and after holding a comically tense stance for a few beats, Fifty simply turned to the camera and said, "Here are the nominees." I guess no one told them that it's usually helpful to announce the category befo
re you list the names of those who are nominated.
- There to promote their newest film, The Kingdom, Jamie Foxx (who must have been drunk or high... or something) went way off-script, putting a stunning Jennifer Garner visibly ill-at-ease as they presented the award for Best New Artist. Who won? Well, apparently some band named "Gym Class Fallout." Man, those Gym Class Heroes guys must have been pretty bummed.
- Immediately following Garner's flubbed line, the program cut to Gym Class Heroes' private party room, where the crowd was already going nuts. Champagne, beers, and fruity cocktails were being doused everywhere, on everyone. After a few moments of watching the boys drink and carouse, it was clear that no one was going to actually accept the award. In order not to look like total asses, the producers then cut abruptly to Justin Timberlake's exclusive "Southern Hospitality" party room, which had nothing to do with anything that was actually going on, but where at least someone was performing, thus giving the television viewing audience at home something mildly interesting to watch.
4. Someone had the awful idea to have some of the hottest acts in the music industry serve as the musical vamp to take the show in and out of commercial breaks. Consequently, bands like Maroon 5, System of a Down, Queens of the Stone Age, and Foo Fighters would abruptly and awkwardly start their numbers seemingly out of the blue, with no introduction whatsoever, and would proceed to play on way too long-- to the detriment of the show's televisual appeal. With zero context or set-up, a lack of traditional staging, and piss-poor audio production, the music simply became noise.
5. As she accepted her award for "Best Collaboration," Beyonce's frock kept creeping lower and lower, tantalizing the audience with the possibility of the diva revealing more of herself than she had ever hoped. While the dress never slipped down quite enough so far as to be disastrous, it was nevertheless a close call.
6. Tommy Lee and Kid Rock came to blows while sitting in the audience. Classy.
7. Before each award was given out, each category's nominees were introduced by way of a barrage of seizure-inducing graphics, similar in design to a cable TV channel menu. After the initial "wow" factor wore off, it wasn't long before the desire to gouge one's eyes out set in.
8. Finally, in perhaps what was the most bizarre moment of the night, my own personal favorite pseudo-celebrity, Miss Teen South Carolina, plugged mtv.com's "Vote for your favorite moment" feature, and then achieved new levels of lameness by attempting to deliver a monologue that poked fun at her own meltdown in the Teen Miss USA pageant. Needless to say, it didn't really work.
All in all, this year's VMAs were pretty exemplary of the kind of low-quality, mind-numbing shows for which the channel has become so well-known. It wasn't a complete loss. Young Chris Brown gave the performance of his life. And although Alicia Keys and her band didn't sound their best last night, at least it was a bonda fide musical act being performed live (which is more than most artists on last night's show can say).
My favorite moment had to be, however, when Justin Timberlake accepted his award for Best Male Artist of the Year. After commending Chris Brown on his stellar performance, Timberlake virtually berated MTV for playing only crappy reality shows and chastised them for no longer playing actual music videos (ironic given the purpose of these awards and the channel's name-- ahem-- "Music Television"). But perhaps the greatest irony lay in the fact that Timberlake was awarded his second Moon Man by Lauren, Audrina, and Heidi from MTV's
The Hills. While Timberlake rattled on about the demise of music television programming, the three biddies could only stand there silently behind him and listen to him dispel the very legitimacy of their own reason for being there. Priceless.
